| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  enthralled | ] |
"when moons of harvest rise above the sweat and tire of our state, here, on the porch, wrapped in nothing more than moonlight and cotton quilt, the sun becomes a memory, distant and dim, for in this, the harvest of moons, i see clearly the intentions of both eyes and soul, who together make for me the image of beauty"
*sigh* he's just... wow. he wrote that... how could i not fall for a guy who writes like that? he's so perfect for me... that's how he said goodnight to me. i just had to copy it somewhere so i could remember it. *dreamy sigh* he has published books... he edited and personalized a book for me for my birthday... and he said he wanted to write me a song... i get to see him in 3 weeks. :) i found my howard roark. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|10:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
"Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values. " -Ayn Rand
That's my senior quote. I love Ayn Rand.
Today was really rough. A middle school teacher was killed in a car crash. I never met him, but everyone was extremely upset and we had an assembly and everything. I dont really feel my own emotions. I feel everyone else's. And I hate it. It sucks being empathetic and perceptive, because I usually don't care enough to help them deal with their emotions, but I have to feel them anyway. My sister is really upset and depressed about it b/c she was really close to him, so I've been feeling depressed all day. I even cried for a few seconds b/c my sister broke down at the assembly while she was speaking in front of the whole school. Everyone was all solemn and depressed all day and it really wore me down having to deal with all of it.
Then on the way home, she tried to have a little "intervention" with me b/c i'm "not Christian enough." and she's concerned about me. I wish I could be honest with my family about my religious beliefs. I just don't care. I guess I believe in God. I mean, he can't be disproved, so I don't have a reason not to believe in him. But I just don't really care. I guess I'm an apatheticist. It just makes me feel like shit that I can't be honest with my family. They have no idea who I am and I can't tell them b/c they'd ship me off to religious school or a therapist and make me go to church 7 days a week. I don't have a problem with going to church... there are cute guys there. It just makes me sad that they wouldn't accept me for me. Only if I fit their requirements. My dad also told me I "wasn't allowed" to be a vegetarian b/c it's unhealthy... like... wtf? I told him I didnt' have to justify my decision to him and he said I did b/c he was my dad. I said no, I didn't, because I'm an adult. He isn't pleased right now.
I hate having to hide who I am. I can't wait for college when I can do whatever I want. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2007|09:42 pm] |
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| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
hahaha. i just read my entire livejournal that i've been keeping since freshman year. like... back when i was dating rory. wow, i was so cute! it really cheered me up. i'm totally over the boy issue. he's so not worth it. lol, so many good times. i'm slightly excited for this year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2007|07:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
almost everything in my life is absolutely perfect. guard is awesome this year (we all know what we're doing!), i know where i'm going to college (washington and lee), i have pretty ok classes, i have great friends. and then there's just that one little problem in the form of HIM that keeps cropping up. we ended it and we still can't stand each other. we still drive each other crazy. he has parties and his friends IM me. we talk about absolutely nothing. we even tell each other how crazy we drive each other. this was such a bad idea. he's so freaking arrogant. so what if he's good looking, talented, and intelligent? that doesn't mean he owns the world, contrary to what he thinks. they're ALL arrogant and conceited. it's like a prerequisite to do what he does. that and being extremely good looking. AHHHHHHH. i swear i'm going to just slug him next time i see him. grrrrrrrrrr. i'm just not talking to him anymore.
A very very frustrated and (apparently) whiny,
Lauren |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|12:50 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | incensed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mythbusters/the ringing in my ears | ] |
i think i hate him. i really think i do. he makes me SO ANGRY. i thought i learned my lesson, but apparently not. i thought it was going to be different this time and he wasn't going to be so selfish. silly me. why do i let him do this to me? i know it's a bad idea. he knows it's a bad idea. we can't stand each other most of the time, so why? it's like he has this weird power over me. he has all the power b/c he makes all the decisions and i know it and don't do anything about it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i really want to hit him. i really do. i have to stop letting him do this!!!! maybe i hate him enough to stop letting him. if i could just get a bf, he wouldn't be able to. i'm way too smart for this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2007|10:11 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TV | ] |
girls state was probably the best week of my life. i made so many friends and they all really care about me. i got elected president of the senate too! not only that, i got picked for girls nation!!!!!! only 2 girls out of 300 get to go!!!!! i get to fly up to washington dc for a week and do it all again and i get to meet the president and all that fun stuff. im so excited. im in the top 100 girls in the nation... i am SO going to georgetown! lol. im not being conceited, i swear, it's just that i can't believe i actually did it! girls state was the best week of my life, and i can't wait for girls nation!!!! In other good news, I broke that nasty little habit that was so bad for me. Hahaha. I win. He never had a chance.
Lauren
P.S. Senior pictures today... wish me luck! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2007|11:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mischievous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SNL | ] |
i'm such a bad person. but at least i had fun doing it. 0:) if he thinks he knows who he's messing with, he's got another thing coming. two can play this game. (in case you were wondering, yes, i am smiling evilly as i write this) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2007|02:01 pm] |
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*sigh* why is he still able to make me cry? he's so mean. would it kill him to be nice? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2007|11:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv | ] |
hehehe. *sigh* i had fun. what do you do when you have a really great guy who is ridiculously attractive and extremely intelligent, but has one pretty noticable flaw? Just hope he learns better and grows out of it? Oh the dilemmas! |
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| Lauren's existential examination of her life |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|04:17 pm] |
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| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i dunno... w/e | ] |
Sometimes, I look at my life and don't know what I did to deserve it. Of course I have my problems and my stresses, but somehow I always know everything will be ok. I also have to wonder if I put too much faith in my own abilities. I ask for help if I need it, but I rarely trust anyone to do something important for me, because I know I can do it better. I have a drive and an ambition that could be my downfall. I'm not afraid to claw my way to the top if I have to. I've never had a serious failure, and when I do, it will be earth shattering and I won't know how to cope. I somehow always know that I can succeed. I know what I want to do with my life, and I've never doubted that I'm going to do it. I was born into a life of what seems like privilege, but it has its cracks and its flaws. However, if all I have to overcome in my adolesence are a few breakups and a mother that drives me absolutely mad sometimes, I can't complain. I've never wanted for a relationship and I've never struggled in school. What did I do to deserve the lifestyle and the brains and the confidence that I can accomplish absolutely everything I want to? I feel like I need to do something to justify my successes because I haven't had to struggle as much as others have. I bask in independence and like to do things my own way. I might scare some away with my ambition and my motivation, but ultimately those who do stand by me will be the type of people worth having. I don't really know what prompted this existential examination of my life, but I have this weird feeling like I'm meant to do something that will change the world forever. It's an odd type of certainty that I've come to experience more often as of late. I know I'm destined to do great things, it's just a question of what great things I'll do. Ever since the break up (ominous sounding, isn't it?) I've felt so much more free spirited and my confidence has sky rocketed. I know my flaws, and I'm working on them. I need something fun and free and not terribly commital in the relationship department, and I think I've found something that's perfect for now. I don't know where it's going and I don't know where I want it to go, but I know that I'm happy and I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be living the life that I am. I only hope I can justify what I've been given by giving back when the time is right. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2007|09:08 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  triumphant | ] |
| [ | music |
| | swim meet across the street | ] |
you know what? since breaking up with chase, my self esteem has been 10 times better. i don't have to call someone every 5 seconds to tell them where i'm going, and i'm now allowed to have opinions. it's fantastic. so yes, we SHOULD make nice with Russia and use them to ameliorate the situation with Iran. hahaha, no dissention is wonderful. AND I got national merit scholar semi finalist. AND i totally aced my physics test (the first time in... ever...?) AND i'm going to girl state AND i went on a date with ben last night AND it was extremely fun. See how much better my life just got? :) I've also decided I don't really want anymore boyfriends until I graduate. I've had one ever since freshman year, nonstop, and I'm tired of it. And then I don't have to deal with the going off to college thing. I think it will work out for the best. :) *sigh* life is pretty awesome right now.
Now that you're updated on my uneventful life...
Lauren |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|11:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
it's weird... this chase and i not talking thing. i like him as a friend, but i don't think he likes me as a friend right now. which is saddening. and it's almost like everyone is trying to antagonize him against me for some reason. neil told me he was really angry at me, which i found out wasn't true (although i could understand if he was). then at prom, ari told me that anna told him that i was making fun of him doing some hand thing or what not... which also wasn't true. i didn't even see her the entire night and i haven't talked to her in years. maybe she was just being mean or something. to make the night more awkward, everytime we were dancing he and whoever he brought would be dancing like... right next to us. it was awkward. and not planned. i'm so glad i went with ben though. we had such a good time; he always knows how to make me laugh at incredibly inappropriate moments. it's nice to have a really good guy friend you can hang out with. *sigh* i guess i should go write that english paper. i just wish everyone would stop trying to make chase hate me... |
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| rant on superiority complexes and the devolvement of loyalty |
[Mar. 30th, 2007|09:12 pm] |
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| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv | ] |
i forgot how to do cuts... so... sorry for the length. don't read this if you aren't in the mood.
*sigh* i haven't done this in forever. i'm tired of everyone im close to treating me like crap. i'm just as intelligent as you are, both of you, and in fact have a higher sat score than both of you. and yes, book smarts are the same thing as being smart. i'm not sure how else you'd define it. stop talking down to me and completely disregarding my opinions. and you, stop ditching me because you think i'm not as smart as the other two you've been ditching me for. one day, you'll turn around, and i won't be waiting around for you to do girly things with. i would never ditch you and would do anything to help you out, but loyalty can only go so far and friendship can only take so much. as for YOU, you're an arrogant jerk and im not sure how i stand you sometimes. if i weren't what i am to you, i wouldn't even like you. it's embarrassing to go out in public with you because you think that everyone you lay eyes on is inferior to you because of your intellectual capacity. once again, you seem to forget who has the higher sat score by a little over 100 points. of course the sat isn't everything in life, but at least give me some credit. sadly, you're not always right about everything and just because i'm female does NOT make me inferior or less intelligent. when the two of you are together, it's always "ok, lauren, it's time for you to be quiet now. no, you're wrong, stop embarrassing yourself and let us talk." and whether you admit it or not, your boyfriend is a jerk, and for all practical purposes, the three of you are the same. i'm so freaking tired of this. so, in summation, YOU need to make up your mind whether you're going to keep ditching me or if you're going to start treating me like a person. As for YOU, i've had it up to my ears with you and your arrogance. Everyone I've talked to has mentioned it and your superiority complex. Get over yourself, you are not a demagogue. I can only take so much verbal abuse and if the two of you don't start acting like normal and functioning adults, I won't be there to cheer you up or to tell your problems to or make last minute plans with when other people ditch you and I certainly won't be there to cater to your ego.
P.S. If you're actually reading this, odds are it's not you I'm talking about and this wasn't really for everyone else, it's more for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2007|08:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
you may be wondering why i'm awake at 8:00 in the AM. i'm wondering that myself. it's because SAT scores get posted at some indetermined time between midnight and now and this was the earliest im willing to wake up. eeeep! not only am i going to girl state (pending official call, but it's pretty obvious), i got a 1420 on my SAT!!! 1400 is the magic number! yay!!!!!! im extremely excited if you couldn't tell...
in other news i have the sweetest bf ever. my interview thing went until 9:00 and he had reservations at 8:45 and was fine with it and we cooked dinner instead because he's amazing. now i'm going back to sleep. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|11:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | news | ] |
OMG... i can't believe it just happened... i got a superior at S/E and i get to go to states!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|08:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all the small things (marching style!) | ] |
this has been the best afternoon/night ever. all is right with the world. everyone was complaining in pre calc honors, so now they're slowing down the class and actually explaining things. i might not fail!!! then in band, i wrote the entire rifle routine on the field!!!! thats so much less work for me! if i could just get megan, emily, and brooke to GET it the first couple times, my life would be perfect. i have an amazing bf. our six month was yesterday. :) im on the ball with all my classes (including ap music theory, boo ya!) ms. eliot is getting normal, greening FINALLY burned me a copy of the show music, i got an adequate grade on my ap us and physics tests, i got this new computer (which is the most amazing piece of technology i've ever owned), my cell phone works, our dryer is fixed, debate tournament this weekend and a chance to prove myself, wake forest the next weekend (my first national tournament!!!), and i feel in control of everything for the first time this year. it's enough to make me believe in myself and in other things again. im so happy. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|10:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | memoirs of a geisha | ] |
today was amazing. i discovered that i felt differently about some things than i thought i did. ive never felt like this before...but i like it. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|09:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chatter | ] |
At summer school. We colored trash cans! Mine is pretty and sparkly!!! yay! cj is in my class, woohoo! Neil scared Rory on the phone by sounding amazingly gay. no word from harry on debate camp. Got a new toy!!! I have a rifle!!! Not a real one, duh. A color guard one, and it's puuuuurty. And our potential uniforms are so cool!!!! they're sleeveless and cut across so there's only fabric on one shoulder and strapless on the other side, and the middle is sparkly and the pants are crushed velvet. Yay for being able to look cute for marching band again!!!
Love,
Lauren
PS. no internet access except at school because i don't have a computer right now because my mother stole and and is letting an employee borrow it. |
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